Cheap Watch, Expensive Lesson.

I purchased a watch yesterday. This is major. I have not worn or own a watch since July 15, 1998. This is the day I took my mother to the doctor and he told us there is nothing else he can do. It was time to call hospice. She was so weak and frail. I broke my watch helping her get out of the car. I remember helping her get undressed and back into bed. I sat with her until she fell asleep. I noticed my watch was missing. I walked into the kitchen to find my father sitting at the table trying to fix my watch. He was crying. “Don’t worry about it, Dad.” I said. Now that I think about it, what was it? The fact that my watch was broken or that my mother was back there dying.

Since that day, I haven’t worn a watch. I’ve looked at watches over the years, considered buying a watch, but never did. Well, I’ve been looking at watches and considering purchasing one for almost two weeks. It’s bothersome to pull out my iPod to maneuver the stopwatch feature. So and decided the time (no pun intended) is now. So, this, my friends, is part of the hidden curriculum I wrote about last week.

I’m reading The Shack. The main character calls the grief he carries (over the murder of his young daughter) The Great Sadness. While reading this book, I realized I have my own Great Sadness. My mother’s transition was a pivotal point in my life. I stopped caring. Grief hovers over me at times like a big, black, dark, thunderous, dangerous cloud. I built this wall around my heart and distracted myself from it. I also think my desire to please my mother (even though she wasn’t a demanding person) superseded my desire to please myself. I started living my life on the surface. Hmm…all this from buying a cheap watch?

I must confess, folks. I’m still not sure I’m going to wear it.