Transformational Tuesday

Many of the blogs I read and Facebook pages I "like" post Transformational Tuesday entries. Most of them are about physical transformations. For me, at this point in my journey, I need to work on a mental transformation. I am reminded of that part of the scripture which says,... be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind....

More than anything right now I need to get my mind in shape. With the exception of the occasional pain and discomfort I have in my back and knee, most of my challenges are with my mind. My workouts are fine, when I am consistent. I would like to be more consistent. For whatever reason, there are times I get so self-conscious about working out at the gym or walking/running in public. The truth is people are so self-absorbed, especially at the gym, they probably do not even notice me. Even if they do, it's their problem not mind.

I also know I can achieve the goals I have set for myself. Lately, my opportunities are with my food, not my exercise. I cannot out-train a bad diet. Every time I feel like I am depriving myself of something, I am mentally sabotaging myself. I need to turn that around. Each time I make a healthy choice, I am going to remind myself that I am empowering myself.

I also went out today I purchased a presentation board so I can make a vision board. It will be fun to add to work on over the next six months:

Fitness Friday

Over the years I have learned that fitness is a lifestyle, not to regard it as a chore. I am not so sure I have learned my lesson. I have not exercised at all this week. I have been overcome with grief and insomnia. A dear coworker and friend passed away. I think I could have used all my anger and sadness as fuel for my workouts. Running is great therapy, right? If it hadn’t been for all the sleepless nights and not eating, I could have done it.

I felt a little better today. I’ve had my pity party. I am sad for myself. My friend was in a lot of (emotional) pain. I pray he is now at peace. I know he would be the first to tell me to get back to living my life. In fact, we talked about his passing after a previous incident. I am glad I was able to tell him just how much I cared about him. I told him I would be devastated. I am angry with him for being so selfish and not considering his family and friends; yet I know I am being selfish because he just couldn’t take the pain any longer. He didn’t see a way out. I reached out but he couldn’t, wouldn’t reach back.

I have mourned him and now it is time to get back to life. I still remember him telling me how proud and impressed he was with my weight loss and exercise. So, hopefully I will get a good night rest. If not, I know I will be able to sleep in. Whatever happens, I do plan to go running some time tomorrow. Unfortunately, rain is on its way. Hopefully, the storm will pass us. If not, I will have to tough it out and hop on the treadmill next week. I cannot afford to miss anymore workout time. I have exactly 22 days until my 5K. I need to eat clean, hydrate, and rest. The best way to deal with this grief is to work it out!

Sunday Lazy Sunday

I have been so lazy today. I slept in. I did not go to church. I haven’t finished my laundry. I have not started my meal prep. I did not go for a walk as scheduled. I am not going to worry about it. I did use my foam roller and I will do some stretching as soon as I finish writing. Fortunately, I am off tomorrow so I will finish my laundry and food prep. I also plan to go for a 30-minute run.

Numbers Don't Lie!

I am not very happy right now. I just weighed myself and I’ve gained four pounds! I guess I shouldn’t complain. It could be worst. I also shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve gone over my calorie goal for the day a few times this past two weeks. Translation: Sheila, you've been eating too much and not burning enough calories! Anyhow, I am grateful for the courage to face the truth. The old me would have been in denial and stayed off the scale. I also have a new tool – a fat loss monitor. My focus for 2013 — building muscle and losing fat!

Week Six, Day Three

Today’s workout was 15-min run, 3-min walk, and 10-min run.  Not sure what happened this morning but I didn’t finish my first run.   I started my walk break early and told myself I would just tack on the remaining five minutes to my second run.  Well, everything went fine.  I added the remaining five minute to my last run only to discover after I’m home that I owe myself an additional five minutes! WTH?  I don’t think I had another five minutes left in me anyhow so I will be repeating this workout on Saturday.

The perfectionist in me is so disappointed in myself.  I ran for 20 minutes on Monday so I don’t know why this workout was so hard.  I’m thinking maybe my pace was too fast or maybe not.  I know I’m notorious for self-sabotage!  I’m trying so hard not to beat myself up.  I have to remind myself that I have come a long way, to be very grateful for the progress I’ve made.  Some workouts will be like this.  I know my opportunity is getting enough rest.  I stayed up late watching the Olympics when I should have been in bed sleeping. 

Oh well, Saturday I will do better.  I will not give up! I have to remember to take this one day at a time, one workout at a time.  I have 65 days before the 5K.  One “bad” workout is not going to break me.  I can do this!

Happy Fall!

It's been a while since I've posted. I'm doing great. I have not been working out on a consistent basis. I finally found an apartment this weekend so I have started organizing and packing. This is going to be a chore and a half. I hate moving! It's going to be somewhat challenging to move from a 4-bedroom house to a 2-bedroom apartment. However, I am very grateful I found a place where I believe I will be comfortable. I am gently moving forward through this break up and transition. One of the things I am truly grateful for is the fact that I am managing my stress much better.

I'm still not sleeping too well. In fact, last night I probably got two hours with of sleep. Once I'm resting on a consistent basis, I know my workouts will improved. I'm planning to do a 5K next month. My eating is doing much better. I have a great circle of support. We check in each other multiple times throughout the day.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm looking forward to catching up with the blogs I follow throughout the week.

Overeaters Anonymous

I have been reading a bit about compulsive eating and I think I do have some of the symptoms. This occurs when I’m stressed. I know it’s a coping mechanism. When it does occur, I do not overeat as much as choose to have sugar or junk food in place of a healthy meal. Instead of having breakfast, I’ll have cookies or a piece of cake. What happened on Friday really concerns me.

I can answer “yes” to at least six of the following questions*:

Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

The one question that raises the biggest red flag for me is number 7. Although I cannot say this has occurred recently, I have been known to do this.

I have attended meetings every day this weekend. I must say I can relate to a lot of the thoughts and feelings that were shared. If nothing else, the meetings provided the support I need during this stressful transition in my life. I plan to continue attending these meetings. There’s no way I’m going to be eating boxes of Crunch and Munch and cake every time I get upset about something!

*Source: Overeaters Anonymous web site

Day 21 - Food Journal

Breakfast

Triple berry smoothie with protein powder
coffee and water

Lunch

BBQ skinless chicken breast, cabbage
water

Snack

Popcorn

Dinner

Small turkey wrap (turkey, cheese, banana peppers)
water

*****

Awesome August - Workout #17: Squats, crunches, plank

I did not leave the house today. I was so afraid I'd end up in the store buying junk food that I decided to stay in.

What I need to do is stay in the present. When I dwell about the past or start thinking about the future, it triggers the thoughts and emotions that I want to sedate with sugar and other junk. I am so surprised by these anxious thoughts. After all, I am the one who decided to end the relationship. I finally had to admit that it was toxic and I could no longer stay in that space. At first I was so relieved, now I am experiencing this. I don't even know what to call it. Grief, maybe?

I have plans to meet a friend for lunch tomorrow. I'm glad it's someone who understand the journey I am on right now. I've already warned her that I want to talk.

Day 20 -- Food Journal

I'm really struggling these days. I know stress triggers my desire to overeat and eat junk food. I've been doing better than expected. Maintaining this blog and reading inspirational tweets have really been helping me. I also have been diligent about my daily spiritual practice. Despite all this, right now I want to rush out and buy a box of Crunch and Munch or a piece of cake!

I haven't worked out in two days because I haven't had the energy. I haven't been sleeping well. I have to admit I'm experiencing some depression. I know it is to be expected while going through this transition. Thankfully, I had a good night's rest last night so I will be able to get in a nice, gentle workout. I'm thinking I'll do some yoga later on today.

On a positive note, although I haven't lost any weight, I haven't gained any either.


Breakfast

Oatmeal
Coffee and water

Lunch

Salad (tomato, black beans, black olives), chicken
Water

Dinner

Chicken wrap

Awesome August Workout #17 - yoga

Overeaters Anonymous/Therapy - All day today I have been thinking about junk food. I knew I had to go out for dishwashing soap. I waited and waited until I felt I was in a good space before going to the store. Well, I ended up putting a box of Crunch and Munch AND a piece of cake. I walked around that store trying to convince myself to remove the items from my cart. I didn't. On my drive home, I told myself to throw them in the trash somewhere. I didn't. When I pulled up in the garage, I told myself to put the in the trash before going into the house. I didn't.

I ate a whole family size box of Crunch and Munch. All the stress, anxiety, sadness, and anger from my break up disappeared. I felt both better and yucky at the same time.

I cannot do this on my own. Last night I attended an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Even though I'm not sure it's the venue for me, I could relate to a lot of the things that were share. After the meeting, I ate the piece of cake. I attended another meeting hours later. I even worked up the courage to share a bit.

Monday I plan to call a therapist. My employer offers eight free therapy sessions through our insurance. Even though my friends (who are ministers and life coaches) have been very supportive, I think I could use a neutral ear. It's getting to the point that I feel self-conscious about sharing my thoughts and feelings with them. I know it's more about me than them. They have all been wonderful.

Day 18 - Food Journal

I'm really moving slowly and gently this morning. I am resisting the urge to retreat to my bed and feel sorry for myself. I am not a victim!

I am working on staying hydrated, calm, and present. No matter what is going on, I am determined not to let it distract me from my path to wellness -- mind, body, and spirit.

Breakfast

Vanilla Protein Drink (not feeling very hungry)
Coffee

Lunch

Caesar salad with shrimp
Water

Dinner

Baked chicken, cabbage
water

Day 17 - Food Journal

I had a rough night last night. I did not sleep well. My ex stopped by for some things earlier in the evening. I really wish we were ending on more friendly terms. This process has been so emotionally draining.

This morning I wanted nothing more than to have a nice piece of cake for breakfast to make myself feel better. This was my thought when I watched into the kitchen. Fortunately, there is no longer any junk food in this house. I went for a quick walk instead. I really didn't feel like eating breakfast. I know not eating is not a wise choice. I'm already fragile emotionally. The least I can do is take care of my body. In fact, taking care of my body will eventually help my mental state. Later on today I am going to do some centering meditation and yoga.

Breakfast

Greek yogurt with protein powder with strawberries
Coffee, water

I'm better than I was this morning. I had some supportive spiritual counseling after breakfast. I just had lunch. I like the fact that he advised me to workout to work off some of the energy I am experiencing. How's that for reinforcing my path?

Lunch

Turkey wrap (turkey, cheese, lettuce, tomato, caesar dressing, light whole wheat torilla)
Red grapes
Water

Snack

Popcorn

Dinner

Shrimp Fajita Wrap
Tea

Awesome August - Workout #16 - Step aerobics + weights

Day 8 - Food Journal

Okay, this food journal is really opening my eyes. I am constantly learning the nutritional value and sources of the food I'm consuming. I had to Google whether or not greek yogurt is considered protein or dairy. Most sources are saying it's both.

Breakfast

Greek yogurt with pomegranate (dairy and protein)
Multigrain English muffin (carb)
Apple (fruit)
Coffee and water


I'm meeting a friend for a movie and lunch today. We never get snacks at the movies so I'm fine in that department. I'm not sure where we will be eating. Hopefully, I'll be able to get my usual salad with chicken. We'll see.

Snack

Berry smoothie with whey protein powder (fruit and protein)

Lunch

Veggie sandwich (veggies and carbs)
Unsweetened tea

I really hate recording this but I need to be honest and transparent with myself. I skipped dinner last night. Instead I had a piece of cake, two slices of provolone cheese, and about seven olives.

Tomorrow's another day.

Day 21 - Last Chance Workout

Great workout today! I feel so much better. I spent some time this morning meditating and being grateful for life.

Today's workout was dedicated to my mother. Today is the 12th anniversary of my her transition. I didn't take it her illness and transition so well. This is when all my issues with food and weight started to magnify. I stuffed my emotions and managed the stress of taking care of her with food. Instead of grieving, I ate. I'm so grateful that I am no longer in that space.

My determination has really been put to the test. This has been a very stressful and emotional month for me. My very dear friend passed away suddenly. We are the same age. In fact, he was my first boyfriend. Two days ago, we decided to end 10-year relationship. This has been a long time coming. Although I feel some relief, there is a lot of anger and sadness. I've been channeling that energy into my workouts and releasing it through breathing meditation. Any other time I would have ran for a nice piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting or a box of Crunch and Munch. In this moment on my journey, I am reaching out to friends for comfort and taking care of my mind, body, and spirit. I feel great!

Why Sheila is not losing weight?

I’ve been doing some research for my challenge next month to focus on a healthy eating plan. For whatever reason, I avoid blogging about my eating. I guess it’s because I was so focused on exercising. I've also been around the block to know that the very thing I've been avoiding is the thing I need to address. For total fitness I know I need to turn my attention to the eating part of the equation. So, this is what I learned so far:

How many calories do I need?

I have no idea! I don’t even know how many calories I consume now. I hear calories and there’s an automatic mental block. One thing I do know – my healthy choice/portion control approach is not working! One of the first things I need to do is find out how many calories I should be consuming in order to lose weight. I know there are plenty of online calculators that I can use when the time comes.

Am I as active as I think?

I already know the answer to this one is no. I spend 8+ hours a day in front of my computer. My body needs to move a lot more than it's getting with a 30 – 45 minute workout. I need to find creative ways to add more activity into my day.

Sleep and weight loss

Apparently, there evidence to show there is a direct link between sleep and weight. I already know I do not get enough sleep. I’m used to getting little sleep and I think my body is used to it. For instance, I went to bed a little early (for me) yesterday and I woke up at 4:30. I tossed and turned until it was time for me to get up at 7. This happens all the time. I know it going to take some persistent effort in this area.

I am looking forward to making the adjustments in my lifestyle and seeing some results.

Source: http://cleaneatingclub.com/fitness/why-am-i-not-losing-weight/

Day 14 - Last Chance Workout

Whew! I'm done. I went back to Weeks 1 - 2. Mentally, I feel better being able to finish the entire workout. Since it's still challenging to me, I know I'm still getting a great workout.

I do have a confession to make. I had a Dairy Queen blizzard today. I went a whole 13 days without any junk food. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Three’s a Charm

A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought I share it here on my blog so readers could get to know a little more about me.



Three names I go by
1. Sheila
2. Sheila K.
3. SKS

Three jobs I have had in my life.
1. Residential Counselor
2. Teacher
3. Credit Analyst

Three places I have lived.
1. Ann Arbor, MI
2. Providence, RI
3. Somerset, MA

Three TV shows I watch.
1. The Sopranos
2. Morning Joe
3. Little House on the Praire

Three places I have been.
1. The Bahamas
2. Nigeria
3. Canada

People that e-mail me regularly
1. Crystal - my partner
2. Jennifer - my coworker and friend
3. Beth – my best friend

Three of my favorite foods.
1. cheese
2. salad
3. shrimp

Three things I would like to do.
1. visit Italy
2. write a book
3. run in a marathon

Get it Together!

My attempt to get back into an exercise routine continues to fall by the wayside. My pedometer stopped working. It's also been way too hot for me to walk. I've been okay with these excuses since I know I'm still on a healing path. However, there are some things I see getting out of control and I need to get a handle on ASAP!

For one thing, for the past two weeks I have gone back to my nasty habit of consuming energy drinks. I love caffeine! Since coffee has been bothering my stomach and hot drinks in general aggravate my hot flashes, I have been drinking energy drinks to get my caffeine fix. I tried iced green tea but since I've gone back to work it just wasn't doing the trick for me. So, I've been drinking Full Throttle which led to the purchase of another huge no-no for me--Crunch and Munch!

I've got to get my act together!

Eating My Emotions

I’ve had a renewed interest in The Biggest Loser lately. Last night while watching the show, Rudy’s words really hit home: My sister's battle with cancer started my battle with weight... food isn't going to solve my problems, it's not the answer to my emotions. This really hit like a ton of bricks. The force was so great that I didn’t sleep well last night. When I woke up this morning, I felt like crying.

I know my mother’s battle with cancer and transition has a lot to do with my health spiraling out of control.

It rears its ugly little head – the hidden curriculum -- I learned to understand it so well during seminary-- the lesson behind the lesson. I need to admit that I am an emotional eater. For whatever reason, I do not want to admit this. To admit this means I have to deal with certain aspects of my life that I choose to ignore. If I want to be healthy, let me rephrase this, in order to be truly healthy and whole, I must stop being in denial about my emotional self. I need to practice what I preach! So, here goes:

I can almost pinpoint the time I began stuffing my emotions. Until age 12 I was a normal weight. Then, things began to change. Adolescence was very rough for me. It was rough for a number of reasons:

Reason Number 1 - I was the oldest. I resented being the oldest when I was a child. I hated the pressure. My parents drilled it into my head that I was the oldest and had to set an example for my brothers and sister. I had to be responsible, do well in school, and be the obedient kid because I was the oldest. If my brothers did something wrong, I was also in trouble. Why? Because I was the oldest and should have been watching them. I hated being a second mother and wife!

My mother went back to school when I was 13. Guess what? I was responsible for making dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For the most part, I loved it. This is where I developed my love for cooking. Then, I started resenting it because it was expected. Sometimes I wanted to come home from school and be a teenager. Then, my Dad decides he wants to study for his GED. Here I am 13 years old helping my Dad with his homework!

I will give my parents some credit. I was allowed to express my displeasure. I was allowed to say I didn’t think it was fair. It really didn’t change much. I would get the ‘you’re the oldest,’ ‘you need to help your family,’ or ‘your mother is depending on you,’ speech from my Dad.

So what did I do? I cooked and I ate. I couldn’t stay after school with my friends because I had to go home and make dinner. As long as I had to cook dinner, I might as well bake a cake for dessert. If I had to watch my brothers and make sure they did their homework, I might as well bake some cookies for a snack. After I wash the dishes, I can reward myself with a treat. I’ll just grab a handful of cookies to eat while I fold these clothes.

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll have to deal with number two at a later date.

Guilty!

I'm starting to feel guilty that I don't want to complete my 5K tomorrow because it's going to rain. I don't want to beat myself up about this. A huge part of me is disappointed in myself. Earlier this year there was nothing or no thing that could stop me from getting out there and pounding the pavement. Now, I'm filled with excuses.

I need to find that spark I once had. I'm not sure what's going on.

Wednesday I was 15 minutes late for my training session. I sat outside the gym for a moment because I felt like I wanted to cry. I then walk in and tell Kimberly I'm only going to do 30 minutes. I know she could tell I was upset or something so she suggest we go outside for a walk. I complained the entire time. My calves and back were tight. We stopped a few times and stretched. We came back to the gym and she immediately let me work on my favorite machine. We went on and did a few more upper body exercises. Forty-five minutes later, she goes...you can get on the elliptical or you can go home. Even though I didn't want to do it, I got on the elliptical.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

My next fitness event is this coming Saturday. It's been raining and flooding like crazy here in Atlanta. There's an 80% chance of rain on Saturday. No way am I walking in the rain again. The thought of it makes me sick.

I told my trainer that I wasn't going to walk if it was raining. I thought she was going to tell me I was being a wimp. She didn't. She agreed. I haven't been feeling so great lately. The increase in activity is getting to me. It wouldn't be so bad if I would get my butt in bed at a decent hour. Anyhow, I may or may not be walking on Saturday. Chances are I won't. This is fine with me because I'm really not feeling it. Secretly, I am praying for 100% chance of rain on Saturday. Horrible, huh?