Day 21 - Last Chance Workout

Great workout today! I feel so much better. I spent some time this morning meditating and being grateful for life.

Today's workout was dedicated to my mother. Today is the 12th anniversary of my her transition. I didn't take it her illness and transition so well. This is when all my issues with food and weight started to magnify. I stuffed my emotions and managed the stress of taking care of her with food. Instead of grieving, I ate. I'm so grateful that I am no longer in that space.

My determination has really been put to the test. This has been a very stressful and emotional month for me. My very dear friend passed away suddenly. We are the same age. In fact, he was my first boyfriend. Two days ago, we decided to end 10-year relationship. This has been a long time coming. Although I feel some relief, there is a lot of anger and sadness. I've been channeling that energy into my workouts and releasing it through breathing meditation. Any other time I would have ran for a nice piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting or a box of Crunch and Munch. In this moment on my journey, I am reaching out to friends for comfort and taking care of my mind, body, and spirit. I feel great!

Forward March

I love my new doctor. I love the way she has created a spa-like atmosphere for her patients. There’s light, meditative music playing throughout the place. The receptionist offers you a beverage. Instead of hospital gowns, they have bath robes you can wear. The whole experience was like night and day from the previous Oncologist. Anyhow, she seems to think we’re most likely dealing with endometriosis. She also thinks the mass is more the size of a football. This probably explains why I was losing inches everywhere except my waist.

Due to the strong family medical history, she’s recommending a colonoscopy before surgery. Tomorrow I have a consultation with a Gastroenterologist.

Speaking of family, I made it through my mother’s birthday okay. I didn’t do anything special this year. I spent some time talking to her about what’s going on with my health. I wish she was here. I could really use a hug and smile from her these days.

***

I’m moving forward slowly but surely on the fitness front. Even though I’m not able to work out like I would like to right now, I continue to make a conscious effort to do something. Last Sunday, I went to Crystal gym with her and did two 10 minutes workouts on the elliptical. This week I did some walking and dumb bell workouts.

Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling so well but I made myself go for a walk anyhow. I really wanted to walk a mile so I pushed myself. It was a mistake. I was so miserable on the way back. My body was already sore from working out with weights on Tuesday and Thursday. I’ve been having cramps here and there, and haven’t been sleeping so well. It’s probably one of the reasons why I wasn’t feeling so well yesterday. I should have been satisfied doing a half mile. But oh no….I had to push. The doctor said she was fine with me exercising but nothing too strenuous.

I really need to practice what I preach and put my ego in check. Truth is I do not think I’m exercising sufficiently unless I breaking a sweat or feel sore afterwards…this from a person who not too long ago hated to sweat. Even though I knew I had overdone it, I had this wicked little smile on my face as I wiped away the sweat on my face.

Today I’m pulling out my mat and yoga DVDs. I think I should stick with yoga until my surgery is scheduled.

***

I spent a good part of this morning catching up on blogs. I want to give a huge shout out to Greg who was recently featured on his local news. There are so many quiet heroes out there. Greg on the Run was one of the very first blogs I starting following. Reading his story is the main reason I set a goal of getting off my diabetes medication. Until then, it never occurred to me that I didn’t have to take the medication for the rest of my life. It also helps that I now have a doctor who supports this goal. Congratulations Greg!

I also want to send some love into the Universe for the BIG fat truth. She hasn't been posting regularly. I wish her well on her journey.

Mind Over Matter

You have no idea what your body is capable of doing.

This is the message I got loud and clear while meditating last night.

My mind is the thing that comes up with all the limitations. With proper nutrition and training, I will and can complete this race (pun intended). I will embrace the present and stop worrying about the future. Tomorrow is not promised. All I have is today.

I remember how irritated I would get with my mother when we’d ask her if we could do something and she was respond:

If the Lord is willing….

-Mom, can we go to the park tomorrow?
-If the Lord’s willing….

I hated that answer! Are we going to the park or not? She would be so amused.
She would smile and say, you don’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow. I guess
there are some who would think this a morbid thing to say to your children. Lol! My parents kept it real with us. They were always pretty direct with us. No sugarcoating in my family. Lol!

When you think about it, she was right. Tomorrow is not promised. All we have is today. My mother knew how to live in the now. All we have is the present. She was teaching me not to worry about the future and just live and enjoy the present moment. I’m still working on this lesson. There are times my mind is all over the place sometimes when I walk:

Am I going to make it? Do I look stupid?
Am I walking fast enough? Am I walking too slow?
How long have I been walking? Am I going to be the
last person to finish the race? Am I going to be the
only person walking?

Blah, blah, blah…. In the meantime, I am not enjoying the Presence, enjoying the fresh air,
enjoying the sights and sounds, enjoying the smiling faces that greet me, enjoying doing something loving for myself.

In this moment, the words of the Scriptures come to me:

Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief!

Spirit Never Dies

The Day the Lady Died is a poem by one of my favorite poets, Frank O'Hara. For whatever reason I started thinking about this poem while sitting in the CVS parking lot last night. You know how certain memories are frozen in time and you remember every little detail. I love this poem because it isolates this significant moment in his life (the day Billie Holiday died) in time, detail by mundane detail. Well, I’m sitting in the parking lot and I started thinking about this poem and then my mother. I miss her so much. I need her this week. Tell me I can do this, mother. Tell me not to give up, mother. I need someone to listen to me and encourage me.

Am I searching for something outside of myself ? I am my biggest cheerleader. I no longer need my mother’s validation. The spirit of my mother, her confidence in my abilities, her love for me was nice. I enjoyed it for the brief time we spent together. I can still feel it and channel it and feed upon it. But, is it really necessary to do so? The ultimate lesson is that I do not need it at all. I never did. It was an illusion…just like the surreal feeling I get when I read Frank O’Hara’s poem. The truth is spirit never dies. Billie Holiday's spirit. My mother's spirit. My spirit. The part of me that I thought was dead is still alive. I demonstrate it each time I get out there and walk.